15 Reasons You Should Never Visit South America

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Hóla, I see you there planning to travel the world! I know how it goes; pack your bags to experience new cultures and this and that… I bet South America is on that worldwide bucket list of yours!

Well I caught you just in time, don’t do it friend. I mean why would you?

There’s no need to be boastful.

1Photo courtesy: http://www.jod.uk.com/media/291591/amazon-rainforest-hero.jpg?width=1280

Sure you have the worst tallest this and the world’s longest that… I hear ya! World famous rivers that carve through jutting peaks and never ending deserts. The highest navigable lake in the world huh, what am I supposed to do with that, spend the day between Peru and Bolivia, cruising around Sun island at 12000 feet in a catamaran? I don’t think so buddy!

And where there’s rivers there’s Waterfalls…

2Photo courtesy: http://www.wondermondo.com/Images/SAmerica/Argentina/Misiones/Iguazu.jpg

You can’t even take a leisurely canoe down the river between Brazil and Argentina without coming across one of these ‘World’s greatest waterfalls’ you never shut up about. The Iguazu Falls are the worst… you have to bust your eardrums in a helicopter just to get around, don’t look down… there’s nothing to see anyway.

Well that doesn’t sound safe at all!

3Photo courtesy: http://i1.wp.com/traveleggo.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/7.jpg

The maniacs recommend you ‘Stand at the Edge of the World’… nice try mate, what you going to do, push me? What’s more it takes an age to get there, take a train through the untouched landscape or hike through the Tierra del Fuego National Park… with your feet! When you get there… nothing, not a Mac Donald’s in sight.

And if that wasn’t daunting enough!

4Photo courtesy: http://img.allw.mn/content/travel/2012/08/7.jpg

You want me to what? Cycle the road of death between La Paz and Coroico. Not only do you start 4000m above sea level, it doesn’t get any better. Sive hour later you finish in the middle of nowhere… some tropical rainforest apparently! If you were still thinking of doing this then take in mind, look to your right and look down on the top of towering trees, unforgiving cliffs, mountains jutting out of the mist and wild birds soaring by… yawn!

When you’re not scared, you’re confused.

5Photo courtesy: http://portal.andina.com.pe/EDPfotografia2/Thumbnail/2010/10/21/000139066W.jpg

What’s that meant to be, I don’t like it whatever it is! Out in the Nazca desert there are all these ‘Geolyphs’ that were discovered in the early 1930’s. Huuuge monkeys, Llamas, Plant, Birds and Fish engraved into the landscape, thought to date back to the 4th century… about time someone undiscovered these doodles I would say. This will really get on your nerves… ask who made them and why… nobody knows.

It’s impossible to get anywhere!

6Photo courtesy: http://www.huacachina.com/images/ch-1.jpg

Yeah, smart idea Peruvians… build a town around a lake 6 hours into the desert! Maybe I wanted to get a direct flight there, nope, apparently I have to go by sand buggy. I’m sentenced to half a day of racing through wind styled towering dunes and when I get there… everyone’s sandboarding or relaxing around the oasis. Where’s the work ethic?

The buildings are all run down.

7Photo courtesy: http://img0.mxstatic.com/wallpapers/e0d9ab5f55240726b2f614fb33d5efc8_large.jpeg

Rubbing salt in the wound of taking forever to get anywhere. When you finally trek, hike and climb up to this ‘famous attraction’ way up in the mountains called Maccu Piccu… the place is half crumbed down! ‘’A head for height is recommended’’… that’s just another way of saying for ‘hard to get there’ – I’ll stick to my Netflix thanks.

The language is ridiculous.

8Photo courtesy: http://www.vagabondatsea.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/IMG_0174.jpg

Some people don’t even speak English, and don’t get me started on the place names! Galapo, Golapo… Galapagos something island I think. Its okay, you won’t have to learn to say it if you don’t go, you can’t move for wildlife and have you seen how big their turtles are? It’s just not natural!

There’s just a whole load of nothing, for miles.

9Photo courtesy: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/49/Cuernos_del_Paine_from_Lake_Peho%C3%A9.jpg

Torres del Paine National Park, Patagonia, Chile… more like ‘huge empty space of things to get over and things to fall down. This expanse of glacier-clad canyons and snow topped mountains, pinnacles that touch the clouds, glassy blue lakes and constantly ambling rivers is sure to get you down. The clouds are probably lower here as-well… now those pinnacles are less impressive right?

On the subject of nothing, what’s with these beaches?

10Photo courtesy: http://d1vmp8zzttzftq.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Couple-Swimming-At-Lagoa-do-Paraiso-In-Jericoacoara-Brazil.jpg

Miles upon miles of sand. That’s right, just sand. No deckchairs or houses, no slipways or gift shops… what are you meant to do here? The markets aren’t even permanent, wooden carts and lazy salespeople just come and go as they please, where the reliability people! Brazil is boasting about their 5000 miles of beaches… boasting about having the most sand… HA! Did you know there are beaches that are only accessible by boat? What a kafuffle for just…another…beach.

Now I see why people sit on the beach all day – there’s nothing to see under water.

11Photo courtesy: https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f1/Whale_shark_Georgia_aquarium.jpg

Okay so you’re bordered by major oceans with some of the most diverse marine wildlife in the world, laa da daa.‘’One of the biggest coral reefs of the Colombian Caribbean coast’’ is just eleven words with little allure – Belize’s Blue Hole, Costa Rica’s Cocos Island or Galapagos’ National Park… there’s that hard to pronounce word again… if you can’t say it then what’s the point!

Talking about wildlife… overrated much.

12Photo courtesy: http://experiencesouthamerica.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/Amazon_3.jpg

Have you ever thought why South America has the largest expanses of untouched rainforest in the world? Maybe it’s because nobody wants to touch it. Jeep tours through thick undergrowth, magnificent birds and exotic animals kicking up a racket as you go. The tropical hear making your hair blow up like the 80’s and the threat of monkeys stealing your lunch. They have even put an aerial tram in place through Panama, I can’t imagine why!

You can’t move for festivals and carnivals.

13Photo courtesy: http://media3.s-nbcnews.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Slideshows/_production/ss-130207-brazil-carnival/ss-130211-brazil-carnival-03.ss_full.jpg

Is all these people have to do is dance around? The land of Salsa, Samba and passion, with legs and arms flailing around to the repetitive Latin folk will get old, trust me. It seems like there is a carnival or a festival every few days, especially in the city of Rio de Janeiro, Brazil… a definite no-go. You can’t even get a peaceful meal without some sort of acrobatics or brightly coloured polava happening around you.

About eating, the food is all over the place!

14Photo courtesy: http://honesttravelguy.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/mexico_food_Quesadilla.jpg

Thousands of years of taste-evolution and they didn’t end up at the hamburger? It takes forever to order with a menu fusion of South-American culture. They keep offering you things you’ve never tried before, or even heard of. Why would I want to eat something from a sizzling plate of fresh meat, fruit and spices, where’s the bun? Then to top it off the local wine is strong and full bodied… what if I was a fan of weak and watery huh!

At the end of every day you have to sit through a sunset.

15Photo courtesy: http://i.ytimg.com/vi/JgKVV4Cw5PQ/maxresdefault.jpg

They go on. for. ever. And you can’t concentrate with the sky all red, pink and orange like that.

Trust me, save your money and go somewhere else. South America offers nothing amazing, exciting or out of the ordinary… you may as-well stay at home. TraveleZe



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Travel Writer TraveleZe
Jack Van Toorn, International Travel Writer and Guide Editor, currently Island Hopping from Thailand to Micronesia.

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